Family Shocker
Sometimes you hear about things and wonder how people go down the paths they do in life. What makes people chose the wrong path? How can you help guide them back to a place of reason and keep them from a life full of misery? In short, the answer is usually "Why?"
My parents live just a few minutes away from me. My sister and her two kids live with them since my sister left her emotionally abusive and neglectful husband and moved across the country here to Phoenix. They have been here a few years now and my nephew, who is mildly autistic but highly functioning, is happy in the fifth grade and has several friends. My neice is 14 and has a group of friends that can best be described as bad influences. These are kids you definitely don't want your loved-ones hanging out with. My sister has mental issues of her own and is in all honesty unable to be a parent. As they say, the light's on but nobody's home.
My mom became suspicious last week as to why my niece never took her jacket off. Mind you we live in the desert and it's already hot here. Excuse after excuse was made as to why she wouldn't take off her jacket. Her mother (my sister) was clueless as usual. My mom confronted my niece and forcibly removed her jacket to discover the horrifying sight of self-inflicted cuts all up her entire arms.
Here we ask the question "why?" What would possess a child to disfigure themselves? This is so beyond what I can wrap my mind around. My mom said it was as if someone kicked her in the stomach when she saw all the cuts. My niece has some friends who cut and those who don't do it, know about the ones that do. Some friends.
My parents have to be the parent to their granddaughter so they are already looking for a new school to get her away from these kids. I told them they also need to treat this as they would if she were addicted to drugs or alcohol. She needs help, and fast.
My parents live just a few minutes away from me. My sister and her two kids live with them since my sister left her emotionally abusive and neglectful husband and moved across the country here to Phoenix. They have been here a few years now and my nephew, who is mildly autistic but highly functioning, is happy in the fifth grade and has several friends. My neice is 14 and has a group of friends that can best be described as bad influences. These are kids you definitely don't want your loved-ones hanging out with. My sister has mental issues of her own and is in all honesty unable to be a parent. As they say, the light's on but nobody's home.
My mom became suspicious last week as to why my niece never took her jacket off. Mind you we live in the desert and it's already hot here. Excuse after excuse was made as to why she wouldn't take off her jacket. Her mother (my sister) was clueless as usual. My mom confronted my niece and forcibly removed her jacket to discover the horrifying sight of self-inflicted cuts all up her entire arms.
Here we ask the question "why?" What would possess a child to disfigure themselves? This is so beyond what I can wrap my mind around. My mom said it was as if someone kicked her in the stomach when she saw all the cuts. My niece has some friends who cut and those who don't do it, know about the ones that do. Some friends.
My parents have to be the parent to their granddaughter so they are already looking for a new school to get her away from these kids. I told them they also need to treat this as they would if she were addicted to drugs or alcohol. She needs help, and fast.
posted by Miss Chris | 10:21 AM
12 Comments:
I agree. Tell her to Run, don't walk to get an appointment ASAP!
I'm sorry your family is going through this. From what I have heard about cutting it is emotional. I would definitely seek some professional guidance. Hang in there
JESUS!!!! I'm sorry, but it's time for your Sis to either step up or step out.
Are your parents going to sue for custody?
Anne: I totally agree...
Sharon: Hopefully they can find someone qualified to handle this mess.
MDMHVONPA: I'm not sure if they're going to sue for custody. I think they're afraid that the kids dad would get wind of it and sue too and he's HORRIBLE. Neglectful, mean, etc. He literally starved my sister and her kids. For real. But you know how the courts are...you can't trust them to do the right thing. Hopefully my parents can handle this without having to resort to that. TIme will tell, I guess.
I'm very sorry to hear your family is going through this...it sounds as if you are ALL affected to some degree by a spiraling situation.
Adolescent (and even adult "cutting") self-injury behaviors are unfortunately quite common and should not be confused with suicidal thinking/suicidal intent. Although some individuals who are cutters DO have suicidal thinking, the act itself is more an expressive behavior than it is a wish to die. It is an outward graphic display to the world of just how "bad" the inner world feels.
It sounds like if your parents are going to take on the challenge of raising their daughter's children, they need some quick knowledge/information about these types of behaviors and ALSO information about your sister's disorder (I am NOT diagnosing here...you made mention of this in the post). NAMI or the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill is a great place to start. Phoenix will have a local chapter listed in the phonebook and, if not, I am certain you can call 211 in your area and be connected to the local Social Services Information Hotline(s). Your neice's school should also have mental health resources available as well as a counselor on site (sometimes counselors are not stationed at schools, but come in to see students on set days of the week).
As far as dealing with your neice directly, I would avoid focusing on the cutting/marks/scars and talk to her about the FEELINGS that propel her into the behavior. It decreases the "shock" value of the behavior while still getting adult attention for what is really "wrong"...the cutting is merely a sign of something else and NOT the issue.
And that concludes my psychobabble for today...LOL
Linda D. in Seattle
Linda: Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I really appreciate the information. So much good advice from you...it means so much.
This sounds like a god awful mess and its no surprise that she was cutting herself. (All to common amongst emo kids so I am well aware of how pervasive this is.)
I suspect that legal adoption is out of the question until and unless the father can be dealt with, (from the sound of it, preferably at a very great distance.)
Its unfortunate, but survivable. People do come out of this okay.
They just have to provide a safe and stable environment and keep things under careful watch until the age of majority (when its out of their hands.)
And this situation was relatively common in Verdun, Québec where there were never any parent/teacher nights because, for a whole bunch of reasons, the parents were rarely together.
Its unfortunate but survivable. People do come out of this okay.
Charles: Thanks for your comments. I have to believe that somehow she will come out of this okay. I feel bad that my parents (almost 70) are raising this child but they are doing what they have to. My niece may be changing schools so that would do good for her to get away from these "friends". I also think she has issues because of her good-for-nothing father. I think deep down she knows he's a jerk but that sure would be hard to accept, especially at her age.
Linda covered the main points. I'll just add--talk to her if you can. Her inner pain is so great, she feels dead and cutting makes her feel alive. Find out what killed her, trust will be an issue,psychotherapy--sure, but will she go? 70 yr olds should not have to deal with this. God, I feel for you all. If YOU are afraid of her dad, so is she. Hang in there.
Diane: I feel so sorry for my parents that they have to deal with this. Definitely stress they don't need.
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